Happy Cinco de Mayo

Cinco de Mayo: Another good reason to get shitfaced.

I'm pretty sure that's the official definition of this holiday.

Works for me!

Crunk & Disorderly

Don't let people take pictures of you at parties. This is why:

Weird angle = Big nose

Strange head tilt + whore shirt = Drunk slut

Blow Me I'm German

Although I'm third-generation German, technically I'm part Irish, too. That part of me says, "Irish I was drinking right about now."

What about you, sexy reader? You must be Irish, because my dick is Dublin.

Try that classy pickup line when you're shitfaced on green beer tonight. It works like magic. Crass and highbrow at the same time. Blow me I'm German is already taken. Totally original and all mine.

Meanwhile, I know there are a lot of doubters out there, so here's proof that leprechauns really do exist. The news does not lie.

I Lost My Umbrella

With sporadic downfall and the threat of rain all weekend, I toted the little collapsible black umbrella I bought in a rainstorm during Mardi Gras in New Orleads.

I joined some friends for "Brady Brunch" at the Boulevard restaurant in West Hollywood.

I met Mr. John Brady himself, who was super sweet and funny and just lovely all around; I was having a gay old time. Then work called and I had to rush off to help them with some stupid thing and of course I forgot my umbrella. With such a large group of people, some of whom I did not know, it's unlikely anyone even noticed it hanging on the back of the chair -- or if they did it's even more unlikely they'd instinctively know the owner. Especially after another few rounds of mimosas, which I assume followed my departure.

I lamented this to our resident news room hottie, Coop, to which he replied, "I lost my umbrella a long time ago."

It always tickles my dark places when the most mundane things are made to sound overtly sexual.

By the way, I'm convinced no matter what you search for in google images, it will result in NSFW results. Y'all are just lucky I thought the naked guy was funny (yet tame) -- otherwise, I would have gone for the chick with the umbrella stuck up her poondada.

New Study States the Obvious

A new study has linked drinking with -- wait for it -- promiscuous sexual activity.

No fucking way! That's sincerely groundbreaking. I don't mean the sex and drinking part, I mean that they actually had to perform a study to determine those results. A new level of scientific stupidity.

You don't have to conduct any survey. Just look at that picture above, all shitfaced and about to pass out on the floor.

Sexy.

I Dranked A Bottle Of Wine

My roommate is at a convention or some shit this week and being home alone turns out to be a little creepy.

Especially when you factor in a couple strange, right-before-they-kill-you horror movie like things happening in and around our apartment complex, like the dead rat floating in the pool and all the external lights losing power. It's pitch black outside, the only glow is from the light from the full moon hitting the pool. Is this painting a picture for you? I'm skeered.

Okay, let me just calm down with a glass of wine, thought I. Then I have another, maybe two or three more, gets a little tipsy and keep drinking anyway.

I'm pretty sure kitty will protect me from evil-doers, but I'm really into my new companion. The bottle is my friend. I am calmed by it's juicy goodness. I pass out soon and forget this whole thing.