Happy Cinco de Mayo

Cinco de Mayo: Another good reason to get shitfaced.

I'm pretty sure that's the official definition of this holiday.

Works for me!

Happy 420

Obligatory Birthday Post

Today is my birthday
It's the day I was born
I'm going to sit on the couch
Drink beer and watch porn


The following is a predicted progression of how my day will go:

April's Fool

Question everything.

Is it real or is it April Fools? Panic and paranoia!

To me, today is no different than any other day. Except for annoying fucktards who pull lame pranks on people. I have a joke for you, my fist in your...

Face.

I was going to say "ass," but some people are into that and I don't want to give the wrong impression. I've said it before and I will say it again, even I have my limits. Ass fisting crosses that line.

But enough about my sexual proclivities. Today we're talking about April Fools. It's a kind of a corny way to start off my birthday month. And totally unnecessary.

There are more than enough fools as it is.

Take this lady, who lived in her bathroom for 2 years. No, that's not a fucking joke! That's an old story -- with video on CNN. The woman eventually sat on the toilet for so long that her skin grew around the seat.

"She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body," an officer at the scene said. "It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself."

The woman's boyfriend told investigators he brought her food and water, and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.

"And her reply would be, 'Maybe tomorrow,'" the investigator said. "According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom."

"She is an adult; she made her own decision," said the boyfriend. "I should have gotten help for her sooner; I admit that. But after a while, you kind of get used to it."

She may end up in a wheelchair due to an infection that caused nerve damage.

Basically what I'm saying is, there is simply no need for prank headlines and wild, made-up stories; the world we live in is already one big fucking joke.



Monkey sniffs butt -- HAhaha!!!

Cheesus

He has risen!

I forget the terminology, but essentially our brains are hard-wired to turn objects into something recognizable. It has something to do with how our eyes process images, so we turn random shapes like clouds into bunny rabbits. Or Cheetos into Jesus. Cheesus!

Anyways, some dude thinks this tasty snack has taken the form of Christ.

To me, it looks like a lump of yummy goodness. I love Cheetos. If Cheesus appeared in my snack pack, I'd never know. I tear open the bag and pour them down my throat. It's still a religious experience.

An Easter treat, indeed.

Sweater Day

Mark today's date! The 20th of March from now on shall be known as "Sweater Day" -- to celebrate what would have been Mr. Rogers' 80th Birthday.

Mc. McFeely has a simple request: "We’re asking everyone everywhere — from Pittsburgh to Paris — to wear their favorite sweater on that day. It doesn’t have to have a zipper down the front like the one Mister Rogers wore on the program; it just has to be special to you."

First of all it's in the mid-seventies today so fuck off. And number two, I hated Mr. Rogers. So lame and boring. But he did teach me how to tell time. Sesame Street was on after his program, since I hated his show so much, I learned to tell time so I didn't have to sit through that crap to get to my furry friends. I will always remember him for that.

Nobody teaches you nothing.

Blow Me I'm German

Although I'm third-generation German, technically I'm part Irish, too. That part of me says, "Irish I was drinking right about now."

What about you, sexy reader? You must be Irish, because my dick is Dublin.

Try that classy pickup line when you're shitfaced on green beer tonight. It works like magic. Crass and highbrow at the same time. Blow me I'm German is already taken. Totally original and all mine.

Meanwhile, I know there are a lot of doubters out there, so here's proof that leprechauns really do exist. The news does not lie.

Happy Leap Year!

Or is it Leap Day? Wait, is this even a holiday? How the hell do you celebrate Leap Year anyway?

What's that you say -- Get shitfaced and have a drunken orgy? Well, far be it for me to go against tradition.

The V Word

Today is a special day for me.

Valentines marks the anniversary of the very first blog I ever wrote, denouncing this stupid holiday. I'm sentimental like that.

Oh, the corporate fakeness! The feigned sincerity! At some point, though, you just have to get over it. Besides, you get candy -- and that's the best part of any holiday.

This year the WeHo Crew is taking over the Abbey. Who needs a boyfriend when you've got friends with benefits?


And now, let's go back in time, dear reader. Back to the first year of the 21st century; a time when 'Alias' debuted on TV and the highly anticipated follow-up to 'Anal Addicts' hit porn store shelves. Oh like I'm the only one who was waiting for part two.


V-Day
(originally posted here)

So here we are, Valentine's day again ... does this holiday suck, or what? Everyone seems to hate this one.

People who don't have a "special someone" feel left out, alone, and like a looser in general. Those with a "sweetie" are forced to endure the pressure of the holiday. It's like being told to "say something funny" out of the blue. Can't do it. You're funny when you're funny (most of the time without even trying), and romantic when you are feeling romantic. You simply cannot mandate such things, puh-lease!

Try as I might this year, though, I can't hate Valentine's Day. Not because I'm in love, or even because I'm seeing someone (which I'm not, unless you count the one who already has a boyfriend...but that's another story). No, this year v-day is turning out to be something different. I received candy from my mom, cards signed by co-workers, and e-cards with dirty messages such as, "On a day in the past that sucked, I hope that this year you get fucked".

Yes, this year is different. This year it's not about the pressure of either finding someone to be with, or getting the person I'm with something good; it's about the true love I have with the people in my life who care enough to make me their Valentine.

I want this trend to continue. I want things to go back to grade school, when you bought a box of Valentine's so you could give one to everyone you knew. Screw all that mushy love crap! Let's have some fun.

-fergie
Feb. 14, 2001

2007: The Year That Came and Went, All Over My Face

And that was that; back to the daily grind like nothing ever happened. It's pretty much the same every year: The clock turns midnight, followed by drunk kisses that eventually lead up to a good, hard fuck. By eventually, of course, I mean 12:05 or however long it takes you to get home/find an empty bathroom stall. Yah, I'm a nasty whore like that.

But seriously, what's left after the ball drops? Pants drop.

Hope you had a good one, I know I did. Happy New Year!

Merry Chris-ehehehaeeeeeeekk!

The dolphins would like to wish you Happy Holidays.

Have a Merry Christmas Somewhere Else

Thanks Anthony for sharing this passive aggressive note (found in somewhere in San Francisco): "If you're found sleeping on this porch, we will not disturb you or ask you to leave...we'll just call the police and have them haul your homeless ass away...so find somewhere else to sleep and piss...oh yeah, Merry Christmas."

What a bunch of pests! Can't they huddle for warmth somewhere out of sight? How dare they remind us of the less fortunate, especially at this time of year.

Homeless people are so selfish. Also, they stink.

Fuck them.

Teen Pregnancy Is All The Rage

This week, headlines screamed: Teen Celebrity Baby Shocker!

First of all this is not shocking. Teen girls are popping out babies every single day, in case you didn't know.

"The United States has the highest teen pregnancy rate in the western world, despite the fact that our teens are not more sexually active than Swedish teens, or Canadian teens, or British teens." (stat source)

We must remember, in all this, that the Virgin Mary was an unwed teenage mother.

Lawrence Lee, the pastor who's Virgin Mary graphic I swiped for this entry, writes: "...it makes me enter into the Christmas story in a new way, through the eyes of a young girl who has no more idea how her future will unfold than we do. It's easy to look back on history and admire people because we know how the story turns out. When you are in the midst of events you don't have that luxury."

Some people have the capacity to open their minds to the reality of life outside their station, and seriously, amen to that.

A few choice message board posts from around the net...my comments in bold

--from a publisher, set to release an upcoming autobiography from the mother of the pregnant teen celebrity:
"We believe in redemption. Therefore, we are standing with [the] family during this difficult time. Though the book has been delayed, we believe God is at work. The story is still being written, and we are confident in His ability to turn ashes into beauty." In theory this is actually a beautiful sentiment. As long as it is also applied outside a selective group deemed worth of redemption in the first place.

--from a celebrity blog comments section:
"I have a 7 year old daughter and 10 year old son who watched...on a regular basis. It was one of my daughter’s favorite shows. Now I’ve had to have a talk with my children that I thought I would not have for a few years. Wait, you're 10-year-old doesn't know where babies come from? Have they never once seen pregnant lady and asked why her belly is so big? I'm confused! I had to explain to my 7 year old daughter that this CHILD is pregnant with a CHILD and that this is not something that is expectable. Dear Internet lady, you make no sense. Expectable? As in, "likely or certain" ..? If you're having heterosexual sex, a baby is quite likely and, eventually, rather certain. If, as I suspect, you meant "acceptable," then -- as I also strongly suspect -- you're a dumb ass. I have fully explained to my children why they will no longer be allowed to view this network or television show. Absolutely! See no evil, as they say. This is my personal choice because I will not allow my children to watch a show where the lead actress is a 16 year old teenage mother. It is not about judgment -- BULLSHIT! -- it is about me raising my children and teaching them about better life choices! This little girl is not someone that I want my little girl to look up to." So you'd rather, instead, that she scorns and shuns those who have a different life situation that she does. Madam, I'm sorry to say, that's the very definition of a bigot.

--a general reply to such sentiments, on the same thread:
"Instead of closing your eyes and staying on this hypocritical and puritan consideration about sex (no it won't happen to my children, they are angels, they wouldn't do it to me), face the reality and provide them with information about HIV and pregnancy." My thoughts exactly! Whoever wrote this, I can only imagine, is as attractive as they are intelligent. Also, well hung.

Bad Santa

The Canadian post office, along with their police squad, are on the hunt for a very naughty little boy or girl -- who wrote obscene letters to children on behalf of Santa Claus.

Damn, why didn't I think of that.

"Dear Timmy,
You're annoying, ugly and stupid! It's your fault your parents got divorced and you made grandma sick, God rest her soul. You deserve a lifetime of nothing.
Love, Santa
p.s. Your dog didn't run away, he got ran over."

Well, that's what I'd write. One can only guess what the letters really said, as the report did not detail their content. However the author skillfully implied the recipients were scared for life. As a writer, I admire that -- you have to do something to keep it interesting.

Now, you may be asking yourself: how did all this happen? You see, our neighbors to the north have a special H0H 0H0 Canadian postal code. Return letters from Santa are in fact written by employees and volunteers. Mystery solved. Postal employees should never be trusted because you never know what's going to set them off. Everyone should know this by now.

"We firmly believe there is just one rogue elf out there," a Canada Post spokeswoman said.

A rogue elf? Enough with the lies, bitch. This is what people get for deceiving children -- Christmas is a fraud!


(Story: Reuters)

Jingle My Bells

A holiday meme -- Thanks GolfWidow, via That Gay Chick


1. Wrapping or gift bags? Generally, neither. I prefer sending cards. It says more than a gift. This year I've been working on a video card and I'm pretty excited about that as it will be the first time the friends and family I won't be with can actually see and hear me...I hope to have it done by the end of the week.

2. Real or artificial tree? I think they kick you out of West Hollywood and take away your gay card if you put up a plastic tree. The only plastic we like here in L.A. is implanted under our skin!

3. When do you put up the tree? This year is the fist time in a long time I've put up a tree. It's unlikely I would have done so on my own, but my roommate and I decided to throw a party for all the orphans (friends like us who stayed local rather than traveling back home -- nobody is actually from Los Angeles). IMO the appropriate time is about a week or two before. We put ours up this past weekend.

4. When do you take the tree down? Hopefully before kitty knocks it down.

5. Do you like eggnog? Only with rum. In fact, just give me the rum.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? My first big boy bike -- a 10 speed! Damn, I'm old. I don't even think they make those anymore.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? Sweet baby Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Yes, I do. My mom sent me a ceramic figurine set with the three wise men several years ago. I put it out every year.

8. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Anything wool. I'm allergic.

9. Mail or email Christmas cards? Both, plus the aforementioned video card.

10. Favorite Christmas Movie? The Ref

11. When do you start shopping for Christmas? I never stop shopping, it's just not for Christmas. Or for anyone else. The joy of giving to yourself is even more rewarding.

12. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Like any holiday, the best part of the whole thing is the candy.

13. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Both, of course. The more festive, the gayer!

14. Favorite Christmas song? Little Drummer Boy

15. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Home. White Christmas? No thanks. Give me palm trees and go-go boys!

16. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Smelly, Scratchy, Bitey, Roadkill, Grumpy and Marvin.

17. Angel on the tree top or a star? Star.

18. Open the presents Christmas Eve or Christmas Morning? As a kid, we would open our gifts to each other on the Eve, then Santa's gifts the day of...now I don't do either.

19. Most annoying thing about this time of year? The mania. And that the promotions for the season practically start in July.

20. Do you decorate your tree in any specific theme or color? Shiny.

21. What do you leave for Santa? Pizza and beer.

22. Least favorite holiday song? I can't stand most Christmas songs, they are annoying and overplayed. Except 'Silver Bells.' Damn! Now that's stuck in my head. Forget it, I hate that one too.

23. Favorite ornament? I made a sleigh out of popsicle sticks when I was in grade K, I think that's still my favorite.


(photo source: boston.com)